This takes place June 27th
Note: This one's a long one.
I go off to the Little Creek Clinic thinking that they will not be as busy as the Norfolk clinic. This turns out to be true, for the most part.
For any of you out there who have played video games, the medical screening was very much like a Zelda dungeon with a touch of old school Mario thrown in the mix.
Armed with my results of normal lady bits, random records of general healthiness, my shiny ID of militaryness, and a book to break boredom, I approach the front doors.
Except they aren't the front doors. I need to get to the Primary Care B desk, which is.....elsewhere. I wander off down a hallway that looks promising. I find a vending machine, but no front desk. I finally find it hiding behind a wall and a bunch of people waiting.
I get in line.
I get to the front of the line and explain that I need a medical screening for overseas. I am not in the system. Before I can proceed, I have to be put in the system.
Rational me is confused. Why am I not in the system? I have an ID. I was enrolled in DEERS. Shouldn't the systems all access each other?
I am told to wait in a chair in the middle of a narrow and busy corridor and someone will be with me shortly.
I wait. I break out my book. It's why I brought it.
Someone IS with me shortly, which takes me by surprise. I was not expecting this. I go to the gentleman's office where he puts my information into his computer. I do not show up on any records. I am not the service member, I explain. The gentleman is very kind. He tries again and sees that I am listed under Dan's information (which hasn't been updated since he was an ROTC Cadet). The kind gentleman gets me set up in the system and I go back out to the line.
I get to the front of the line and explain that I need a medical screening for overseas.
Do you have an appointment?
"No, I was told I wouldn't need one."
You need an appointment.
"Oh..."
What do you need the medical screening for?
"My husband is getting stationed overseas and I want to go with him. I was told I needed a medical screening."
OH. You need to talk to the Overseas Screening person.
"....Yes?"
Wait over there, someone will be with you shortly.
I sit. I wait. I break out my book. The overseas screening lady appears and takes me to her office. I am excited. I think I've got this licked. I have all sorts of paperwork. My excitement turns to dread upon receiving the medical packet and a litany of instructions for completing it. I promptly forget the instructions.
But I have lots of paperwork. Isn't it enough? silly me wonders.
I am told I have to go upstairs to Dental to pass a dental screening and then to Immunizations to see if I need any of those.
(Note: It is at this point that I can no longer be frustrated or angry at this whole process. It has been so ridiculous that I have just started laughing at it - or gone into full blown hysterics, I'm not sure which)
Armed with these new missions I head off. I cannot find Dental. I cannot find a way to get upstairs. I finally find a map of the building and there are no stairs, no elevators, no means of ascending up one story to the fabled land of Dental. I am perplexed. I wander off through other corridors until I end up back where I started originally, the wrong front entrance.
A kind soul at Medical Records sees my confusion and is able to give me directions. Aided with her directions, I set off again. It turns out the only way to get to Dental is an elevator that is in a little room that is not connected to the rest of the building, as far as I can tell, except by a very long hallway.
I have found Dental!
I approach the desk (once I find it, again it is not obvious). I tell them I need a dental screening for my overseas medical screening. The doctor who does those is on vacation and no one scheduled a replacement for them while they are gone. The earliest they can get me in is July 16th. I can't do that I say. Silly me is starting to panic. I can feel the anxiety rising in my chest.
How many screenings do you need?
"What? I don't understand."
How many people need screenings?
"Uh....just me?"
Just you?
"....Yes?"
It turns out that if I have the time, they can see me now. I HAVE THE TIME. SEE ME NOW. I fear if I hesitate the receptionist will realize it's a mistake. She hands me a packet of information to fill in while I wait to get XRays.
I just got Xrays. Can't they just call my dentist? silly me thinks. Before I can open my mouth to ask the receptionist about this, rational me butts in Just get the XRays, don't complicate things. You will probably have to wait for them to be mailed or something. It'll just make things worse for you.
I keep my mouth shut.
I sit and fill in the dental packet and wait for XRays.
XRay is finally ready for me. We have to do bite wings and a panorama. My problem with bite wings is that I have extra bone on my palate. This makes my mouth smaller and regular bite wings don't work. I can't close my mouth around them and usually end up having to use the children's sized ones. This seems to not concern the XRay tech, who lets me tear up and gag about a dozen times to get four good shots. At this point my mouth hurts from trying bit down on something that doesn't physically fit in my mouth. At least the panorama XRays go smoothly.
Armed with dental paperwork and XRays I go off to next part of the dental screening. This thankfully goes smoothly. I get my checklist signed by the dentist.
Dental Screening Boss DEFEATED!
Now I try to find Immunizations. Luckily it's near the wrong front entrance. All I have is the very official looking word document that my mother used to keep with my shot records on it. It ends in 2004. I know I've had Tetanus since then and possibly something else when I went to Costa Rica, but I'm not sure.
All anyone at Immunization cares about is if I have had chickenpox. I tell them I had it as a kid. I also get told several times that I do not need a PPD (test for Tuberculosis). Since I had chickenpox, I need to get a titre to see if I am immune to it as well as Hepatitis A. If I am not, then I need to be immunized.
Why can't they just give me the immunizations now and skip the titre? I don't care if I'm "extra" immune. Both mes think this one.
I was sooooo close. UGH! Things were going too well.
I'm sorry, your princess is in another castle!
I am a bit annoyed at this point, because I have also found out that I need a physical within the last 12 months as part of my screening process. My dad is a physician. Had I known about the titre and the physical, I could have had him do them when I was in Winchester the weekend before. But again, I mostly just laugh it off. What can you do?
I cannot complete my medical screening until I go to my doctors appointments in July at this point.
SIGH.
